


Pronoun Problems

by Ladymordecai



Category: Marvel Adventures: Avengers
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-20
Updated: 2009-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-04 16:27:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladymordecai/pseuds/Ladymordecai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just another day in the Marvel Adventures: Avengers universe.  And some other places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pronoun Problems

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skund](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skund/gifts).



　

"He's over there! And over there! And over there!"

Having hacked their way through the underground base's automatic defense systems, the Avengers stood before a huge staging area for a brightly-lit machine that dominated the center of the stadium-sized room. Surrounding the bulbous device were rings of workstations, each manned by two or three people who seemed to be controlling the entire base, including the machine. A small army stood between the Avengers and the machine, with more people pouring out of the machine every minute.

The entire army and every person manning the workstations were variants on the same man.

"Giant-Girl, Storm, Wolverine, cover our left flank! Hulk, Spider-Man, to me! Iron Man--"

"Destroy the machine. I'm on it, Cap!"

Thirty-six hours ago, this guy hadn't even been on the Avenger's radar. Now the superheroes leaped into the fray, fighting version after version of the same person, who apparently subscribed to the Avengers' philosophy: a group was stronger than its component parts. Only he didn't trust anyone enough to team up with them. So he'd teamed up with himself.

Spider-Man and Captain America ranged around the Hulk, adding agility and precision to brute strength. Off on the other side of the staging area, Storm lashed out with great bursts of wind while Wolverine and Giant-Girl tore through the army, each in their own unique way.

"You cannot defeat me!" cried their lately-nemesis. "I am legion! With mes from so many realities converging in one place, I can bring all our lifetimes of experience to play in beating you!"

Spider-Man webbed up yet another version of the supervillain, this one with glowing eyes and some kind of techno-Egyptian theme going on. "This guy--these guys?--has a serious pronoun problem going on."

"I don't think proper grammar is our biggest challenge right now, Spider-Man," Captain America pointed out as he slammed his shield into the face of their supervillain, this one a girl.

Wolverine and Storm tag-teamed a long-fingernailed, cackling madman, while Giant-Girl waded her way toward Iron Man and the machine through the alternate-reality duplicates.

"Ah-HAH!" Iron Man declared. The machine lit up even brighter, if that were possible, and with faint _pops_ the alternate supervillains began to vanish from the Avenger's reality one by one.

"No!" the supervillain wailed. He pointed at Iron Man. "Get him!"

The remaining alternates converged on the machine and the hero clinging to its side. Repulsor blasts and their continuing return to their own realities held them off, but the numbers were against him.

"Avengers, ASSEMBLE!" Captain America cried, and the team charged to Iron Man's aid.

Less than a dozen alternates remained when Iron Man gave a tinny yell and plunged off the machine and onto the staging area with the Avengers and the alternates. One of the alternates, a pale, red-eyed creature, had wrenched him away from the open panel where he'd been working. The panel began to spark.

"You shall all be my prey!" the creature hissed as it lunged off the machine toward the Avengers.

There was a sudden encompassing light, and then, all was quiet.

~*~

When the light faded, Storm lowered the arm she'd been sheltering her eyes with and blinked, trying to take in their environment and prepare for any attacks. Her eyes widened when she realized they had somehow been moved.

"Why are we back at the Avengers mansion?" Giant-Girl asked, shrinking to a more reasonable indoor height.

"And since when does the mansion have blackout curtains?" Spider-Man muttered.

Storm eyed the mansion's foyer with suspicion, having been subject to mind-control devices and illusions in the past. Not a whorl or step was out of place, however, though the dim lighting made for an ominous atmosphere. She shivered.

Wolverine, the line of his back tense, stepped up beside her and put a hand on her shoulder.

She shivered again. "Does anyone else feel as though a chill wind blows through this place?"

"Like someone walked over my grave," Iron Man said.

"Storm, you don't get cold," Wolverine pointed out.

Storm wrapped her arms around her shoulders, hugging herself and looking up to the shadowy second story. "Nevertheless, I agree with Iron Man. This place looks like our home, and yet is not."

"You are correct, mistress."

Storm startled badly and whirled toward the voice, a cackling parody of one she knew well. Somewhere behind her Iron Man let out a horrified, "Jarvis?"

Jarvis it was, but not as they knew him. The butler stepped out of the shadows and began walking toward them down the stairs. "I must say, I find it most surprising to see you all in such a state."

"What? Do we have battle-B.O.?"

Storm ignored Spider-Man. The darkened mansion, the chill atmosphere, Jarvis's horrible rictus grin--she added all the evidence together, straightened, and with a confidence she did not feel, stepped in front of her fellow Avengers and glared at the butler.

"What state surprises you so?" she asked, though she feared she already knew the answer.

"That you are alive, of course!"

The voice rang out from the other side of the foyer, a haughty version of her own. Storm watched herself pace into the foyer, her eyeshine glittering red in the low light. She wore a long black dress with swooping, netted sleeves, and a heavy gold ring on one hand. Behind her stalked the other Avengers, all dressed in darker versions of their usual attire, eyes shining red.

Behind Storm, her fellow living Avengers pulled back from their counterparts. Storm stood her ground. This was an evil she had faced before.

Vampire Storm threw back her head and laughed, revealing pointed canines and two small scars on the side of her throat. "Weak mortals! Beloved Dracula's gift has made us far and away your superiors; there is no use running."

"Avengers don't run," Captain America replied, and Storm heard him heft his shield in preparation for fighting these abominations.

"Avengers do not give in to such evil," Storm agreed, locking eyes with her counterpart. "In my world I was not so foolish as to believe in the promises of the undead."

Vampire Storm's face hardened. "We shall see who was the greater fool, little one. Get them!"

The vampire Avengers streaked toward Storm's teammates with inhuman speed. Storm called the winds to her, Iron Man's gauntlets began to glow and Wolverine unleashed his claws.

There was a sudden light, and as one the vampires hissed and drew away, snarling even as they vanished.

~*~

As soon as the light cleared, Spider-Man leaped onto the nearest wall, hopefully out of the way of any stray vampires. Vampires, gah, if there was one thing he didn't need--well, okay, there were a lot of things he didn't need, like the Kingpin ever getting out of jail or MODOC turning them into giant heads again or for Aunt May to find out he ran around fighting evil in red and blue longjohns--but _vampires_ were definitely somewhere on the list!

Once he could see, it was clear there weren't going to be any vampires. Not only were they no longer in the mansion, but it was daylight.

And _hot_. At least they were in a city, though definitely not New York.

"Okay, who set the TARDIS for Tatooine?" he demanded.

"No blue box," Iron Man replied absently, studying something in his armor.

Good. Iron Man'd figure out what was up and get them home. Also, who knew he was that much of a geek? Then again, the mansion did have a surprisingly large sci-fi collection.

"Iron Man, have you ascertained what is happening to us?"

Iron Man shook his head. "My armor is picking up all kinds of signals--it's too much to process all at once. If I had access to the Stark mainframe I could speed it up, but for whatever reason I can’t access it."

Spider-Man listened with half an ear while he scanned the street and sky--the passers-by were giving them strange looks, but otherwise acting pretty nonchalant.

While the other Avengers debated their situation, or in the case of Hulk and Wolverine, took up guarding positions, Spider-Man kept a lookout. Giant-Girl was pointing at Iron Man and demanding answers when his spider-sense went off like crazy.

"Wah!" Spider-Man flailed and barely managed to hang onto the wall. "Heads up!" he yelled.

Literally, apparently. A guy in spikey blue armor was flying toward them.

"Yes! . . . No, don't shoot them, we don't know why they're here. . . . Fine."

And talking to himself.

"Spider-Man?" Cap asked. "It doesn't appear threatening."

Before he could answer, the blue guy pulled up and landed next to the Avengers, his hands raised. "Hey, look, can you put all the weapons and stuff away? It's kinda making the armor nervous."

Spider-Man fell off the building.

"Spider-Man?" Giant-Girl leaned over him, waving her hand in his face. Maybe the others hadn't recognized that voice, but he had! That was him! The guy in the blue armor was him!

"What is going on?" Spider-Man complained, sitting up and rubbing his elbow where it had smacked the sidewalk.

The blue guy's eyes widened and he said, "What do you _mean_ he's me? _I'm_ me!"

The Avengers exchanged confused looks over Spider-Man's head.

Spider-Man jumped up, walked over to the blue guy and poked him. "Who are you?" he asked. "You're making my spider-sense go off like a gun to my head!"

"Sorry," he said sheepishly. "The scarab can have that effect. I'm the Blue Beetle. Well, the third one," the blue guy said. "Who are you?"

A loud, familiar growl interrupted them, and a guy on a huge bike roared up and stopped next to the Blue Beetle--a guy with a familiar, pointy haircut. Wolverine stalked up next to Spider-Man.

"What's up, kid?" the guy asked.

"He's _me_, and--he's _you_, and the scarab's yelling about extra-dimensional energy signatures? I think?"

"That's it!" The Avengers, the Blue Beetle and bike!Wolverine turned to look at Iron Man. "The machine, it was pulling versions of him in from alternate dimensions, and when that vampire attacked me he must have knocked something loose! We're cycling through alternate dimensions."

"Which explains why we keep runnin' into ourselves," Wolverine said, jerking his thumb at bike!Wolverine.

"It doesn't explain your outfits." Bike!Wolverine snorted. "Spandex ain't my scene."

The Blue Beetle--whose armor was pretty awesome, Spider-Man had to admit--waved his arms around. "_Callete!_"

"Since when do you know Spanish?" Giant-Girl asked.

Spider-Man ignored her and focused on himself--on the other him--on Blue Beetle.

How _did_ he know Spanish?

"The scarab says the dimensional energy is getting stronger, and it's focused on you guys. Which is--" Blue Beetle paused, and his face twisted. "How are you all together and--superheroes? Tonia, I do not need you and the scarab yelling at me at the same time."

"If the energy is focused and getting stronger," Storm began.

"We're gonna jump again." Spider-Man groaned. Great. Did random dimension-hopping top vampires on the list of things he didn't need?

"And probably--"

Light cut off the end of Blue Beetle's sentence.

~*~

All the readings he'd taken in the Blue Beetle's universe were rendered useless when they again switched universes. Iron Man didn't waste time waiting for his vision to clear, getting down to work with the armor to make sure he could gather as much information from their jumps, as well as every universe they were in, as possible. He trusted the other Avengers to keep him safe if they ended up somewhere with vampires again.

"This is where I was getting those weird--energy readings . . ." An unknown woman's voice in the air above him, somewhat mechanized. Iron Man ignored her, trying to get a lock on their location--earthly location didn't seem to matter, but there must be some logic to where the jumps were taking them. First the mansion, then El Paso, and now back to New York, Central Park if he wasn't mistaken.

"Iron Man," Spider-Man said. "You totally have to see this."

"What?" he asked irritably. He was close to discovering a pattern, and the faster he could discern a pattern, the faster he could fix it. He looked up.

A female version of the Iron Man armor hovered in the air above him, holding a woman with a long blond braid and a red-white-and-blue chainmail uniform around the waist. Flying above them was a broad-chested man with white dreadlocks, and a giant man in a purple uniform with a green woman on one shoulder and a woman with long claws on his other, stood behind them.

Iron Man felt Cap--his Cap--looking at him, and met his eyes. He grinned inside the armor and clapped Cap on the shoulder before approaching their counterparts.

"Iron . . ?"

"Maiden," she said, sounding as amused as he was through her mechanized voice box.

"Nice. I need all the data you collected on our arrival. We need to get back to our own universe."

"I'll say," the woman on Iron Maiden's arm said. "Huh. I never noticed how female-heavy our team is, but seeing the genders reversed brings it home."

"I've been saying we need another girl for ages now!" Giant-Girl said. "Not that you're not awesome, Storm."

"It appears I retain my name in both universes," said the dreadlocked man.

"Lucky you," Giant--Man, probably, Iron Man thought--said, as he shrank.

"Hulk confused."

"She-Hulk also confused."

"Hulk confused first!"

"She-Hulk confused more!"

Their green team members started punching each other. Iron Man shrugged, and turned back to Iron Maiden now that she was on the ground. Captains America joined them.

"Our armor seems to be pretty compatible, here, let me download the data for you," Iron Maiden said.

Iron Man integrated her readings as soon as they showed up, adding them into his own observations. "Here, let me give you the data I've collected so far as well, you never know when you might need it."

"Thanks!" Iron Maiden said.

"We really appreciate the help," his Captain America said to the other Captain America. "The last two universes we jumped into were . . ."

"Weird?" Iron Man volunteered.

"This is the least weird universe you've seen so far?" the female Captain America raised her eyebrows. Wow, he'd had no idea how many of his mannerisms Cap had picked up, because that eyebrow was Tony Stark all over, and come to think of it, he'd seen his Cap do that, too.

"Trust me, this universe is much better than the one where Storm turned us all into vampires," his Cap replied. Their female alternates exchanged a look, and Iron Man felt a wave of disorientation--that was the look he and _his_ Cap shared. Apparently a little thing like gender couldn't mess with their relationship.

"How did this happen?"

"There was a supervillain, we think he was bringing in alternates of himself to help him take over the world," his Cap explained to the other Cap, while Iron Man and Iron Maiden went over their combined data, and examined the data they were collecting at the moment.

"Look, our readings are slightly different," she pointed out, indicating a spike in energy that his sensors registered a half-second later than hers.

"The experience inside and outside the dimensional shifting must be different enough to cause a change in how our sensors perceive the energy build."

"That means you'll have to keep looking for yous in other universes, or people like you, so they can tell you best when you're about to switch universes again."

"I think I can rig up some kind of homing device, but I'll have to cannibalize parts from the armor--"

"Because nothing from the alternate universe will make the jump with you, of course!" Iron Maiden said. "This is fascinating, really."

Iron Man cocked his head and grinned at her, knowing she could tell even with the armor blocking his face. "It's less fun from this end, let me tell you."

Iron Maiden nodded, then looked back at their data. "Oh! Look, see, here's the spike--"

"Avengers!" his Captain America called. Iron Man nodded. "Assemble!"

Iron Man caught a jaunty wave good-bye from Iron Maiden and then the light engulfed them.

~*~

After seeing vampires, beetle-creatures, and genderswap, Captain America waited for the light to clear and prepared himself.

This time there were concrete walls around them, and Iron Man was muttering about getting sensor readings from underneath a mountain.

"Okay, so, lower the shield and tell us what the heck is going on," said a too-familiar voice.

Captain America looked over his shield to see himself, of course, in an Air Force uniform and pointing a gun at him. Next to him stood Tony, also in an Air Force uniform, also with a gun out. Behind them were Storm, who had a strange gold symbol on her forehead and a long staff weapon, and a kid with floppy brown hair.

"Me again?" Spider-Man yelped, and Captain America suddenly recognized the floppy-haired young man.

"We mean you no harm," Storm said. "We have been caught in some sort of dimension-shifting device, and we cannot control where it takes us."

"She's telling the truth; we don't want to hurt anyone, and we'll be gone soon anyway," Captain America said.

"What do you think, Colonel?" asked another familiar voice over the intercom. Captain America looked up at an observation window to see Nick Fury, eye patch and all, in a general's uniform.

"You are not Jaffa," the other Storm accused their Storm.

"I am not," she admitted. "I am a mutant, with power over the winds."

"Ororo . . ." the other Captain America--er, Colonel Rogers, Captain America guessed--said.

"If she is not Jaffa, it is unlikely they come from a dimension where the Goa'uld still pose a threat," Ororo said.

"Recommend we stand down and figure out what's up, General," Colonel Rogers said.

"Very well. At ease!" General Fury called, and the guns were re-holstered.

"I picked up some very interesting energy readings right before you got here, that's how we knew something was coming," Tony--wow, _Major Stark_\--said. He and Iron Man started comparing notes.

"This is weird," said the floppy-haired young man.

"You're telling me. You're the third me I've met today," Spider-Man said.

"What's your world like?" the other him asked.

"There he goes again." Colonel Rogers shook his head at the Spider-Men and sauntered over to Captain America. Captain America took in his counterpart's swagger and ease, but also the way he subtly kept an eye on his team, always moving to back Major Stark or block one of the Avengers from getting too close to his Spider-Man. His Storm--Ororo--he didn't seem to worry about as much, though Captain America could see why. "So, dimension-hopping?"

"We do seem to be," Captain America said wryly. "The Tonys will figure it out."

"Yeah, he's good at that." Colonel Rogers got sharp-eyed all of a sudden. "So what's the deal with aliens in your world?"

Taken aback by the question, Captain America said, "They occasionally try to invade, but we've beaten them back many times, and most interstellar empires have more to worry about than our little backwater."

Colonel Rogers paused. "Interstellar . . . Empires? Plural?"

"Sure. Kree, Skrull, Shi'ar . . . why?" Captain America put together the military uniforms, the concrete, Iron Man's muttering about a mountain, and came up with, "You're fighting aliens, aren't you?"

"Nasty SOBs called the Goa'uld. Snakes that take over your brain."

Captain America shuddered, thinking of his time in the ice before Iron Man and the Avengers rescued him.

"Got it!" the Tonys shouted.

"The machine always sends you to the greatest concentration of alternates, so you're always going to--"

"--meet ourselves. Which is useful, because we can compare notes and get help. We--"

"--recalibrated the sensors so they could not just detect dimensional energy--"

"--but manipulate it as well. With a few modifications, we should be able to--"

"--reverse the polarity and send you home."

"Well . . . good. Glad you crazy kids stopped by." Colonel Rogers looked relieved to be getting rid of them, and to be fair, Captain America wouldn't have been thrilled with an unintended incursion into the mansion, either, especially in the middle of an interstellar war.

Colonel Rogers, Major Stark, Ororo and--the name on the uniform said Dr. Parker--backed away from the Avengers.

"Nice meeting you!" Dr. Parker called. Spider-Man waved enthusiastically back.

"Here we go," Iron Man said, and the light came.

~*~

Giant-Girl had relaxed after the last two universes, which seemed to land them among friends, or at least versions of themselves that weren't bloodsucking fiends. Maintaining a larger-than-usual size took energy, and she didn't want to waste it.

Since this time they arrived in a tricked-out high rise complete with sprawling black marble and red-tinted windows, she figured that was a good thing. Again they were faced with an array of themselves.

"Oh, my God, what am I _wearing?_"

The other her's Giant-Girl costume maintained the color scheme, but bared her midriff, covered her hair and eyes, had eighties-esque pointed shoulders and ridiculously high spike heels. What, turning an ankle was okay but catsuits were out of style? Was she just having a truly awful hair day? And why were the lenses of her mask blank white?

"Right back atcha," the other Giant-Girl said.

"We're dimension-shifting, we'll be gone soon," Iron Man said.

"Good," the other Iron Man replied, and Giant-Girl noticed that Captain America, behind him, had a lot more red in his costume than she was used to. And, hey--was that a goatee?

"Hey, boss--" Hawkeye and Quicksilver, also wearing disquietingly different costumes, dragged in a beaten-up guy who looked vaguely familiar. "What d'you want us to do with the white hat?"

Captain America stomped over to the captive and yanked his head up. Giant-Girl gasped--it was one of the supervillain they'd fought today, now in his own dimension!

"Make an example of him," the goateed Captain America ordered. The flat tone of his voice made Giant-Girl's skin crawl, and she unconsciously made herself a little taller.

"Hey, wait--what's going on?" her Cap asked.

The other Spider-Man, this one in a creepy black costume, came down from the ceiling and, ew, grinned at them with pointy teeth. "Can't have the masses acting up," he said.

"That's it!" Wolverine said, and leaped toward his counterpart, who also had a goatee. "These guys are creeps, and I say we get 'em!"

"No time!" Iron Man called, grabbing Captain America's arm and pulling him to a stop. Giant-Girl, thinking about it, gave herself another few feet of height just in case.

If they were the supervillains, who knew what could be in the next dimension?

Light flashed.

~*~

Wolverine was still flying through the air when the light deposited them somewhere new. He rolled and came up, claws out, ready to fight whatever freak version of himself populated this dimension.

They were in a long metal corridor, in a huge airtight place that smelled of age, alien and massive, only very recent occupation by humans. Not very many humans, either. Another Avengers headquarters--or whatever they called themselves here.

"Well. This is new," said Storm's voice in a British accent. Wolverine whirled to see Storm in white pants and a union jack tank top, her white hair pulled back in a pony tail and smoking a cigarette.

"'Roro, I've been getting some--oh! Hey, that would totally explain it." A scrawny guy completely covered in metal walked up behind Storm and peered at them. "Us?"

"From another dimension," Spider-Man piped up. "And, wow, am I covered in nanobots? Is that what those are?"

"Look at me, with the spider powers! Awesome."

Wolverine smelled almost-Cap and almost-Iron Man before he saw them, two figures--one in white and yellow and the other all in black--that came around the corner behind the Avengers and boxed them in between almost-Storm and almost-Spider-Man. Their scents were, at base, identical to their Avengers counterparts, but their different histories and powers tainted them. He could smell himself, but an urban creature, and a Hulk with more control than theirs would ever know, and a much less innocent Giant-Girl.

"The jumps are speeding up, Avengers, we're almost home," Iron Man said.

"Nice to meet you!" called the nanobot guy as the light took them.

~*~

Hulk see people pointing, saying Cap come back. Hulk confused. Cap never left. Shiny Iron Man say not possible. Good Iron Man say Shiny Iron Man crazy. Hulk tired of seeing double, needs glasses. Want home. Shiny Iron Man say he is a danger, but Hulk not a danger! Not unless puny Shiny Iron Man want fight!

Spider-Man web up Hulk's hands and feet. Hulk annoyed. Want smash Shiny Iron Man and blond girl with zigzag on chest. Cap say no smash, say friends. Hulk want to know why friends say Cap dead. Cap alive.

Hulk sticks tongue out at Shiny Iron Man when bright light make him go away.

~*~

The Avengers reappeared in the dimension machine's staging area with a flash of light. Little time seemed to have elapsed during their journey--the last supervillain alternate _popped_ from existence as they landed. Iron Man and Storm blasted the machine until it stopped working. Captain America and Spider-Man apprehended the supervillain. Giant-Girl, Hulk and Wolverine reduced the smoldering remains of the machine to tiny pieces, none of them desiring to peek in on any more alternate versions of themselves.

After handing the supervillain over to the authorities, the Avengers each went their own way. Spider-Man swung away across the city, Giant-Girl headed to the Van Dyne labs, Hulk shrunk back into Bruce Banner, Storm took Wolverine's hand and flew them toward Westchester, and Iron Man picked up Captain America and headed back to the Avenger's mansion.

Jarvis--normal, human, proper Jarvis--met them at the door and told them that dinner would begin promptly at seven.

Tony took off the Iron Man helmet and ran a hand through his sweaty hair. "Well, that was an out-of-the-ordinary day even for an Avenger," he said.

"It was." Steve secured his shield to his back and pulled off his cowl. "But we stopped the bad guy, and that's what's important."

The two walked back to their rooms together, Tony looking pensive. Steve stopped him in the hallway. "Tony, what's wrong?"

"That last dimension--"

Steve cut him off. "I'm sure there are a lot of dimensions where I'm dead, Tony. Where we're both dead, or were never born, but I don't want to think about it, all right? We're here, alive and together, so don't worry. We can do anything."

Tony grinned, all worry leaving his face. "We can." He squeezed Steve's hand and then let go. "I'd better go change, or I won't have time to get this grease off before dinner, and Jarvis would have my head."

"Can't have that," Steve teased.


End file.
